what's a man without his convictions.
It’s a little strange. I haven't been to the gym in weeks, pretty much close to two months. I still run occasionally, I still have a home routine to keep in shape. It’s not as if I've been slouching by any means, but something about being in the gym? It brings a whole new level of focus, hell just hitting something makes it all the more clear. Not quite crystal but more like a magnifying glass, burning through the fog with intensity, hell hitting things just makes me feel better.

Granted violence won't and can't solve everything, but it does make things a lot easier. It boils down the problem down to its bare essence in a way. You have two options, literally. Either you attack or you retreat. It’s about action and reaction. There’re a myriad of things you can expand on when it comes to fighting, techniques, strategies to claim victory. I'm proficient in most of the forms I need to know and maybe it’s my adolescent just roaring back to the surface, but if feels damn good to hit something. It’s less about the anger and more about getting it out of your system. It’s a purge of the frustration. The Doubt. The Hesitation. The Fear.

It’s about more than just hitting, when your arms feel like their dragged down by dead muscle and bone. When you can't throw another punch, when every breath burns away at what little energy you have left. It’s when the pain passes, when it gives way to your will to push harder and endurance. That’s a great moment, hell it’s liberating.

Some days I wonder why I live the way I do. Why I can't just enjoy life and the people I came in contact with? I think sometimes, I have and make more enemies than I need too. Then again I'm not the kind to smile when someone throws bullshit your way. I don't make friends with people I don't trust, who throw smiles around like candy to little kids. I don't find validation in people who want you to like them; I'm not here to feed egos (not including Eva, apparently).

I suppose I'm not the type of person who trusts without reason. You don't have to buy my trust, but I don't hand it out either. Truth be told, sometimes I can't escape things from my past. I knew this kid in high school, seemed like he wanted and needed everyone to like him. I would have thought folks grew out of that when you left high school. Case in point, I ran across a comment from Evan Hartwell. You'd have thought technology would have provided a filter from immediately disliking people. Now whether he reminded me of the kid from high school or the fact my friends have had run-ins with him previously, I can't tell you what really set me off. Call it instinct which, given the technology filter should be numbed, you'd have thought wasn't possible.

Given a face to face confrontation, I probably would have rearranged his face. Only because people, who enjoy talking out the side of their mouth, should realize what they say can and does have consequences. Secondly, some people you just don't like. I've rubbed enough people the wrong way to realize it happens. Third and finally, maybe I really want to hit the kid from back in high school, maybe I want to literally hit this Evan Kid, hell maybe I just want, no need to hit something. Regardless of the reason, it just feels good. Sure it’s a little strange, but I never asked if you cared.