Private : I've been here before
Private
I wonder at what point everything went wrong.

I've spent the last few days returning to the types of old habits I thought I'd left behind, or at least tried to forget. It feels good in the way old shoes feel, as soon as you slip them on there's no pretense to the road they've traveled. Their ragged, worn in, comfortable. They don't try and be something their not, and despite the fact they should have been thrown out years ago, you just can't bare to part with them. Their the old friend you neglected but didn't throw it in your face when you came back.

It feels good, but then again so does the sweat. The ache in my arms and the feeling I just can't get away from. I tried, I even came to peace with it, stowed it away because I didn't need it. Then again it was only a matter of time before it knew I'd be back right? Only a short span of time until it knew it would be needed.


I've just never been one to sit down and take anything. I've been knocked down plenty of times in my life. Its just part of growing up in New York, the city will throw everything it can at you, and you'll just keep on taking it. Why? Well you can't run away from it, only the strong, only the brave. It sounds all well and good but some folks break under the pressure, just can't take it and wither away. The fact of the matter? I got a little lazy, and love doesn't do that to you. If anything it gives you a reason to fight back, to protect what you love. Its a powerful motivator, even more than anger. Its a potent little beast and it won't go quietly into the night.

Its sad how I find myself in the same situation I was a few years ago. The difference now? I'm still in love, just without another girl. I told you. If you'd told me a year ago I would have fallen for her? I would have laughed in your face, and ask why I'd want a death wish like that? The last time I choose wrong, I loved Harmony. I couldn't not love the woman who gave me my daughter, but she knew how to get out when she could. You can only love someone so much, when their ready to leave at the drop of a dime. Then again I gave her every chance to go as well, I pretty much showed her the door.

Secondly? I'm down on allies. Granted the last time I had a ace up my sleeve and the odds were still stacked against me. I had Angelina gunning for me, drawing me into a war I had no intentions on fighting. Now? Benito's got a grudge, maybe even a rite of passage. Why? Maybe cause he's out to get the one man his uncle couldn't? I always knew Cesar had it out for me, I could count the reasons on both hands. Then again we always had a agreement didn't we? It wasn't a gentleman's agreement but the kind which kept us in our respective corners.

Benito and I don't have that sort of agreement, but then he'd not as clever as his uncle. Cesar knew when to let sleeping dogs lay, Benito knows what buttons to push and goes to far. The problem is I don't have Shepard in my corner. I don't have my ace, I don't have the knowledge my old crew won't hesitate to pull the trigger.

The part that kills me, that turns the pit of my stomach cold and ignites the anger inside me? They brought Eva into it. I know they might argue I did, just for loving her, I brought this on myself. Its a reasonable argument, but not the type which can save them.

Benito's seen what I can do to his dealers when some battered mother is involved, so I know he's expecting me to return the favor twenty fold. He's counting on my reaction, he wants proof he got me where I'm vulnerable. He's right. he scored a hit in my weak spot, the chink in my armor. He knows I'm only one man, but that still won't stop me. I'm not the type of person who takes things laying down. The problem is he expects rage and anger to fuel me. He's only half right, he expects me to throw a beating his way. The kind which can leave you with a black eye and a bloody lip. The problem is I don't want to hurt him, I want to kill him. I'll end him the way I ended Cesar. One bullet, One shot.